Lies I tell my daughter

I lie to my daughter. A lot. And I’m totally fine with that.

I don’t lie to her about anything important. But little things? Are fair game. For instance, I have convinced my daughter that whenever she sees an animal, she must say hello to it by making its animal sound. So each time we pass by a horse farm, she says “Neigh!”. Cows get “moo!” Geese get “honk, honk!” I did it more for my amusement than anything else and it never ceases to be funny. (I fear the day I have to tell her it’s not normal.)

I wish it stopped there. It didn’t. Once you start lying, it’s so hard to stop. Here’s a small sampling of the lies I’m spreading with absolutely no guilt:

• I have  told her that spinach is pirate food. Given her obsession with Jake and the Neverland Pirates, this has been quite effective in getting her to eat spinach.
• When I couldn’t listen to the Fresh Beat Band for one more day, I’ve told her that they’re on vacation. I have also told her this with The Wiggles, Dora, and Bubble Guppies.
• When we had to get rid of our old cars (to which she was oddly attached), I told her that yellow car is living on a car farm with other sick cars and that green car is waiting on a new transmission.
• When our cat disappears for a day (we have an outdoor, formerly feral cat), I tell her the cat is at cat work.
• After I washed her favorite stuffed animal and didn’t want to send him to school with her to pick up germs, I told her Miss Kim (the owner) said that toys from home aren’t allowed at school anymore. Also with that toy, when she leaves him in my car during the day while I’m at work and she’s at school, I tell her that I feed him lunch.
• This past Easter, I told her that my mother-in-law was the Easter bunny’s delivery person because I didn’t have an Easter basket for her (I’m Jewish. My husband is not).

I rationalize my lies by telling myself that they’re harmless and won’t send her into therapy (well, most of them won’t). I love her but sometimes, I need to protect my sanity. And I’m completely fine with telling a few lies (fine. A lot of lies. If I were Pinocchio, my nose would extend to around Wyoming. I’m live Delaware).

Don’t be jealous that I’m such an awesome parent.