Neat eaters

You've eaten too many of my kind. And now you must pay!!!

It is virtually impossible for me to eat anything without dropping food on myself. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, it’ll wind up in my hair or on my face or in my lap rather than on my shirt but for the most part, whatever I eat, I wear.

It used to be, if it was red, it’d get on me. Tomato sauce, ketchup, salsa, enchilada sauce…red foods and I were not on good terms. I invested in some Shout wipes in order to prevent more of my clothes from looking like I engaged in some sort of tomato warfare. Not to be outdone, the red foods lodged a campaign against me and now all foods attack my clothes. Soup. Milk. Peanut butter. Crumbs. Ice cream. Any sort of sauce. Chocolate. It’s impossible to make it through a meal without having tangible proof of what I’ve eaten. Honestly, when your 5 year old looks at you and says “Mommy, you got food on you again?!”, you know you have a problem.

To that end, I am jealous of people who can eat without dropping food on themselves. I’m jealous of the fact that their clothes aren’t stained with their meals and they don’t have to carry Shout wipes with them everywhere they go. I’m jealous of the fact that these people can eat in public without being shamed. I’m jealous of their ability to wear anything they want when they eat because they don’t have to worry about the aforementioned stains showing. I’m jealous that they’ve probably never been offered a bib. As a birthday present. More than once.

I don’t think I eat any differently than they do. I use utensils and napkins and plates and everything a person with even basic table manners is supposed to use.  It doesn’t matter, though. But I think the tomato overlord is angry with me for some unknown reason and he’s using it to rally all the foods against me in some large stain producing conspiracy.

I’m starting to think that maybe the tomato overlord is in cahoots with the laundry czar. And they’re winning.


5 responses to “Neat eaters

  1. What’s embarassing, is when you are eating and something falls down your shirt. In public. Do you fish it out? Or do you leave it, not wanting to look like you are actually groping yourself in public? Men never have this dilemma! 🙂

    • Ah, the dilemma of the cleavage dive. One that I’ve experienced way too many times. I’ve gotten to the point that I don’t care. I just go right in and get it out.

  2. WoW I thought I was the only one like this..My wife “yells” at me all the time….Now for I few months with only a few teeth I’m really bad…Waiting for my mouth to finish swelling(going down) in a couple more months with hardly no teeth….I been really bad…Now reading this I don’t feel I’m alone Thank You

  3. When I was younger, I couldn’t wear white without getting chocolate on it- even if I didn’t eat chocolate. One time, my mom bought chocolate covered donuts, and I didn’t eat one because I was wearing white. But my mom felt the need to fix my collar right after eating a donut and she got chocolate on me.
    Now, I just have a whole lot of shirts with shelf stains.

  4. Same. I have a few cowl neck sweaters that I wear at work and at the end of the day I always find parts of my lunch or snacks in there. :/

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